Kreoln was here.

"somewhere, over the rainbow way up high.
There's a land that I heard of once, in a lullabye."

Hmm. I think I may have found something. If I take it to heart, then I won't probably post on here much anymore. I am spending more effort on articulating my ideals than I am on trying to live by them. I know what matters to me. I should stop trying to make sure everyone else knows. If I spent as much effort in my life as I do in explaining the way I think, I would be graduated by now. Interesting to think about to say the least. Time to start living my life instead of contemplating it all the time. Pretty soon, I'll be so busy living that I won't have time to be sad. I may also find that this proverb holds true in many respects:

 "Dont curse the darkness,
light a candle."

Having a lot of self confidence can lead a person to believe that their plans are impervious to reality.  The way I see life, goals are important and you should have something to reach for. However, when you start basing goals upon other goals and create a huge structure of them, it becomes increasingly difficult to really ensure things will work out how you want them to. When you involve another person, then they become promises that you may or may not be able to keep. Another thing is trying to plan their goals with yours. You should never assume anything about what a person wants. Always ask. Then ask again the next day. And again. And again. Then, after a while, you might start to get an idea what they want out of life. You have to take into account that neither you nor they know how you are going to change in the future. That is where being best of friends before you go further comes in. You can't truly know a person until you know them at least that well. I think that if I were to plan my life with someone, my biggest goal would be that we would always be happy and always love one another. Nothing should ever come before that. What good is a lot of money or a big house, when you can't even stand in the same room with your significant other. People get so caught up in their passion for things that what was once important is taken for granted and is often lost in the moment. Then when everything falls apart, you realize what happened, but by then it is too late. People think that I don't know what I'm talking about when it comes to relationships, and perhaps, I don't. I want to find the person who will love me as much as I love them. I want them to trust me that we will be secure, happy, etc no matter what. I want to be able to trust them on the same thing. The success of the relationship falls equally on both our shoulders. I don't even see the structure so much when it comes to this. My relationship would consist soley of strong feelings for each other. I'm not being naive either. I know that the so called "romantic love" isn't supposed to last forever. I understand that real relationships are based on a different love. They say to expect ups and downs too. I think that because of the importance I place on being able to freely communicate, that disagreements will be just that, disagreements. You can't argue if you have both already talked about your sides. And I even expect that sometimes misunderstandings will not allow that chance to talk first. I just think that we will respect each other enough not to let things get out of hand for more than a arguement. The structure sort of builds itself as the relationship progresses. The last thing I ever want to do is hold a relationship together for the sake of the "relationship". The term "making it work" should apply to domestic issues, not love. If you just want a domestic partnership, then sure, marry whomever you can and force yourself be be happy. For me, I want a marriage in the better sense of the word. I wouldn't even be in a rush to get married. I feel that the relationship itself should be much stronger than the material bonds that display it such as marriage. I want to live with a person that I love and that has no regrets nor qualms about loving me just as much. I would hate to have them only pretend to feel that way for the sake of not hurting my feelings because they made a mistake or for the sake of upholding the "sacred Marriage". But that situation won't even happen to me because I will always ensure that the communication is in place long before I ever trust their feelings for me. If getting them to talk about it like that shows that they arn't so sure, then better to find out sooner rather than later. I feel you either love someone or you don't. There is no maybe or kind of. If you're not sure, then don't pretend you are. You shouldn't have to ever worry about hurting someones feelings. The only time that happens is when someone pretends (usually with alterior motives). Often people are too overwhelmed by their emotions at the time to really consider how and why they love someone. This is what leads to all of this romantic heartbreak in our world. If everyone just took the time to really figure out what they were feeling, yes, many couples would not stay together. One of the things people always told me was never hesitate since someone else might swoop in and take her. This emphasis on speed is part of the problem. Everyone is so worried about finding anyone at all that they don't stop and think any more. They just run into it headlong and hope the chips fall in their favor. I figured this out as I was mulling over why I was such a dumbass for letting myself fall in love with a girl. I have gotten myself to the point of realizing that I am still unsure deep down. I think that because she never showed that kind of interest, it saved me from fooling myself completely. She just never felt that third grade, butterflies in the stomach if they look at you, feeling. If she had, then perhaps there might have been something truly awesome there. But, she didn't. I could think that maybe I just need to act the way that might cause that feeling to emerge, but that is also stupid. At what point does acting become lieing? I will be myself because who I am is not that bad. Funny that even that is not so easy. Who I am and who I act like seem very different in my mind. I am barely coming to terms with that. I used to think that intense love was all you needed. But as a song I like goes, "Loving someone doesn't make them love you." You need to be the person you want to be as well. More often than not, a person who is all that they want to be automatically has this strange attractive quality about them. Now I don't mean that you have to have all your goals met and be satisified with life. I mean you're day to day personality. Are you happy with the way you take life day by day? Are you confident about your future? Do you go to sleep happy at the end of the day unless something specific ruined it? That kind of thing. I think that when people say confidence is attractive, that "togetherness" of person is what is really attractive. The confidence is just a side effect. I am very new at all this and I have made many of the mistakes I have mentioned but I am thinking ahead now and I plan to never make any more obvious ones in the future. Both for my sake and for the sake of anyone who I meet. I am a responsible person. I pay my way and take care of what I need to take care of. Hell, I take care of as much as people will let me. I get the best feelings from helping people. Some would say I am just trying to buy friendships and attention and such. They don't understand. The feeling I get from spending a little money either to help someone or to just get them something is completely worth it. Some people think only the free acts of kindness count. I prefer both. Just knowing that I made a positive impact on their lives is one of the best feelings I can have. When someone does something nice for me, the feelings I feel in general and towards them are very good. I guess I like to think that when I do nice things for others, they in turn feel that way. It is hard though since everyone suspects everyone else and this often backfires and people think I want something in return. I'm just trying to give them that good feeling. You can't feel that way unless you let yourself though. In the end, that requires trust. So I only do this with my friends since they trust me (and again, i'm not being naive. I know they do, since I doubted it for a while and got proven wrong). There, you have it,  my two cents for the day.